that guy over there...

if the economy were better...

busch gardens would absolutely commemorate the 10th anniversary of fabio getting hit by a bird by building him his own roller coaster, or maybe a nose shaped red waterfall ride...

roller coaster drops
fabio got hit by bird 
ouch that had to hurt

tori spelling has a book...?

so i went to mcdonald's today because it's been a while since i've had fast food and i like the southern style chicken sandwich (it's no chick-fil-a sammy, but it'll do). 

in line i saw an asian girl who i immediately decided was a cunt.  i'm not sure what made me think this about her, but my spider sense was screaming that a cunt was in my vicinity and i'd likely be pissed off at her soon.  she ordered some coffee.  not just coffee, but something from the "we're trying to drive a nail in starbuck's coffin" menu.  the beverage she wanted had 7 words in it so i knew my spider sense was right.

the poor barely speaks english, let alone engrish guy at the counter tried to repeat the drink back to her and failed, leaving out her choice of milk.  she scoffed at him as if he was a piece of shit rather than simply saying she preferred 2 percent milk.  in the guy's defense, i couldn't understand her and i was being incredibly attentive to satiate my desire to hate the woman, how is the guy who doesn't give a shit he's at a 6$/hr job supposed to understand her barely audible and not even properly spoken mumbles?

it was then i noticed in her hand a book.  interested in what the cunts of the world are reading these days, i spied the cover. 

"sTORI telling?  please don't tell me that's by...holy shit, they let tori spelling have a book?"

notice i didn't say write a book.  yup, this dumb self important cunt who was ordering designer coffee from a mcdonald's of all places was satisfying her need for knowledge by reading the brilliant scribbles of a bleach blonde idiot who's only "famous" because her father was a television producer who felt sorry for his talentless daughter.

further investigation revealed the book came from the flushing library.  WHY THE FUCK IS A TORI SPELLING BOOK IN THE LIBRARY?!?  aren't libraries supposed to be vaults of knowledge?  you're supposed to learn shit at the library not seek out the mindless chatter of a ditzy bitch.  if we start allowing shit in the vein of a tori spelling book into places we send our kids to seek information we may as well start keeping hardcore lesbian porn there too (at least the guys would learn to eat a snatch properly).

so after i got passed the book thing and made my order, the cunt was standing next to me shitty coffee in hand.  she stood there until my cashier acknowledged her.  when it was her turn to talk she said "she gave me this.  9 singles and 2 coins.  i doesn't need the coins.  give me 2 5 and 1 single." 

don't say prease or anything.

oh and she was wearing a cunty beret too...

apologize (for having two you tube vids up at once but it's worth it.)...

but i'm obsessed with this song.  i always dug the rest of my life cuz it reminds me of an old ex friend of mine and really it's just an awesome fucking song.  on this tour chris, jr, and buddy have been starting the encore with it but stripped down to just chris on guitar and jr on backing vocals with buddy coming in on trombone at the end for a kickass ending.

song damn near made me cry when i saw it in virginia beach, but i was prepared for it 6 days later in new york. 

this is form cleveland ohio, best version i've found thus far.  (check out the new york show here.  looks like the kid who filmed it was a few people behind me in the crowd, but started about 15-20 seconds into the song)...

all out of sorts (and some sunday randoms)...

so i woke up today completely convinced it was monday.  there was no doubt in my mind or body that it was day 3 of my week.  none. 

until there were some.  sadly the radio guy wasn't who he should be on monday, my phone was convinced it was sunday, and so were the calendar and computer.  with all that convincing evidence, my mind accepted it was sunday and decided to get on with the day.

my body however hasn't caught on.  it still thinks it's monday.  this leaves me feeling all out of sorts.  it's tough to explain but it's kinda like my body is way over there while the rest of me is lagging behind.  somehow, someway i'm racing against myself...and losing.

i guess it's kinda how marty felt when he was disappearing because his parents hadn't fucked because his mom wanted to fuck him.

which brings up the question...would ya?

had a conversation with carly sorta along those lines a couple of weeks ago.  she said something to the effect of my mom is a porn star which lead us to discussing if we'd watch such a movie if it existed.  i think i would, just out of some morbid sense of curiosity.  i wouldn't jerk off or anything (that'd be disgusting), but i'd definitely watch.  and i think you would too.

i saw a bike today.  it was chained up and had it's front wheel removed.  i really wanted to steal it.  i'm not incredibly sure why but i never have the urge to take a bike that's chained up...unless a tire is removed.  take that tire off and my head is consumed with thoughts of theft,  glorious thoughts in which the owner of the bike comes back, sees his or her bike missing and stands there trying to figure out who the fuck would take a bike that was missing a wheel.  don't ask me why but not only does it make more sense to take a bike that's missing a wheel, but i'd prolly wait around just to see the owner try to figure the shit out.

so my ncaa bracket is doing all right.  haven't lost anyone out of my elite 8 as of yet.  i should be doing much better though, a couple of my upset picks (vcu and western kentucky) lost by a basket each and were both in the game till the very end.  i really don't know shit about college basketball, nor do i care, but for some reason tourney time is always fun.  sadly i'm in a pool with a guy who's apparently only missed 4 games.  i'm guessing he watches an unhealthy amount of ncaa action...or had a girl do it for him.

speaking of.  espn has the video of president obama picking his bracket.  he really had good reasons for most of his picks (and went 8 for 8 yesterday).  i'm thinking he probably shouldn't have had such good reasons.  i mean, how the hell does he know all that shit?  shouldn't he be running the country instead of scouting the ncaa for his bracket?

that said, he fucking killed on leno.  and yes i loved the special olympics line.  how awesome is a president who basically says he bowls like a retard?  oh, for the record, anyone who tried to get on his case for making the joke the come back line was "and he runs the country like it's the special olympics too..."  seriously had ya taken a second to think instead of trying to jump all over him you'd of had line of the day and all he'd of been able to say was "touche."

this is a haiku
it goes at the end of post
i like writing them

we now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast...

the redhead is mini anden.  she was in one of the worst movies ever "my best friend's girl" starring dane cook.  dane cook stole millions upon millions of dollars from many unsuspecting people with his "comedy" which he then turned into a "movie career."  then his half brother apparently stole that money from him.  karma sucks, eh?

actually, i'm a dick.  i dug 2 of dane cook's cd's.  the first two i guess.  pretty damn hilarious.  entirely immature, but they served a purpose.  then he did "vicious circle."  i didn't laugh once.  i wanted to, because i didn't want to be a dane cook hater for the sake of being one, but he wasn't funny.  this made me sad.

dane cook's other problem is he looks like the douchebag everyone thinks he is.  it's hard not to come off as a douche when everyone already thinks you are one.  it's harder when you look like the fucking king of all douchebags.

in any case, much as that movie sucked, i'd of watched the whole damn thing if you told me the sexy ass redhead woulda been in it.  as it stands i only lasted 35 minutes or so.  even kate hudson couldn't keep me interested.

so how was my vacation?  good.  i guess.  short.  too short.

dropped into jameson's for the first time in almost a year on wednesday and the bartender maurice or morris or however ya spell his name made an excellent point.  "the days take forever, but the years pass like nothing."  kinda reminds me of something my dad used to say (hrmmm...wonder if anyone but lauren laughed at that?  if you didn't you don't pay attention here)...

so i flew airtran again.  why?  because i fucking hate myself and feel that i should be punished for the horrible sins i commit daily.  and they're dirt cheap.  but mostly the first one. 

my reward for flying airtran this time was showing up at the airport and having none of their computers work.  what i mean by this is none of the fucking computers worked.  have any of you in the past, i dunno, twenty years gone to the airport to check in and had them go through a list as if you were going to a party?  I HAVE!  have any of you gotten a handwritten luggage tag?  I HAVE! 

to steal a line form espn's bill simmons..."ladies and gentlemen...airtran!"

but what i'd really like to know is when did flying become like camp?  first you check in with the counselors at orientation, followed by single file getting your shit checked for contraband (can't have candy at camp after all), and then you finally get to your gate where you're once again herded by groups onto the plane.  you've gotta wait patiently until they call you or you won't get to go.  once on the plane there's absolutely going to be the cool kids who think they have the right to all the space with their 3 times larger than standard "carry-on."  not to mention the fact that even though everything is marked half the people won't know where to go or what to do.

(the plane boarding procedure always reminds me of george carlin's airline bit as he mocks the folks herding you on "get on the plane get on the plane" "fuck you, i'm getting IN the plane...there seems to be less wind in here."  i'm surprised i'm allowed to board the damn thing as i tend to have an evil terrorist type laugh where i guffaw to myself and make eye contact with no one while i think about it.)

then you get the safety lecture, which no one pays attention to except for that one guy in the back who wants to kiss ass in case there's a test.  in fact this safety lecture sucked cuz not even the guy doing the act gave a damn.  he was doing it for both "business class" and the front of "fuck you in the ass with no butter class" and he was a good 37 minutes ahead of the lady giving the lecture.  you'd see him hold up the seat belt then run away and show the oxygen mask.  as he was showing the exits the lady was just getting to how to buckle your seat belt.  it was kinda like those old asian movies where the voices were dubbed in.  you'd see the action then a year later the voice would tell you what it was.

and then there's snack time!  snack time is fun because you get to share a soda with 16 people in one of those little cups that somehow holds ten pounds of ice and no delicious beverage.   they also gave out a lil biscuit.  which i must admit was quite delicious for the 3 seconds it took me to eat it.  it's as if they got a fucking letter from my mom saying i needed to be on a low sugar diet or i won't be able to sleep at night.

finally you land and taxi up to the gate at which point EVERYBODY STANDS UP.  i wish i knew why this was.  no one's getting off the plane for at least another 5 minutes while they turn the damn engine off and get the door open, but everyone just has to be ready to rush to the next place they have to wait.

the stewardess made a great announcement when we landed.  "passengers continuing on to orlando, please remain on the plane.  passengers who's destination is newport news may deplane here."  really?  i can get off the plane?  gee, fuckin thanks for permission, bitch.  just what the fuck did she think i was gonna do?  stay on the plane and try to skydive as we passed my parents place?

maybe i was blowing that one out of proportion since i had a fever, was dehydrated from lack of liquid, and had just flown as if i was in the 1940s? 

it's been a while (happy st. patty's day!!)...

as my vacation slowly hits it's peak, we celebrate the greatest of holidays, st. patrick's day!  to better enjoy this wondrous day, i share a video of the last known leprechaun citing in the united states.  can't make this shit up folks...

one word makes a huge difference...

so i've felt like shit the last few days.  that's no good, specially because i have to fly to virginia tomorrow morning.

was chatting with one of the guys at work.  in the blank he said "bong" but i heard "bomb."  really changes the tone of the conversation...

"so when i worked at the hardware store there was this guy who asked me to build him a _____.  so i did.  he was so happy with it that he asked me to build him another one a couple of days later."

bombs are for killing
bongs are for smoking fine weed
bongs are much safer

five more days (and saturaday randoms)...

yup, five more days till i am on vacation.  and a hell of a vacation it will be.  going down to virginia to catch a less than jake show, hang with the rents and my bro who moved in across the street, and chill with my goddaughter.  oh an i guess i'll meet my new nephew.  he was born just in time to be a tax deduction...dec 31.

after the va leg, i come back home just in time for st. patty's day.  st. patty's day is my absolute favourite day of the year and i have high hopes for this year after not doing much of anything last year.  what makes this year so special?  well, nothing.  gonna drink like we do every year, but there's just something awesome 'bout march 17.

the next day is another less than jake show.  yup 2 shows in 2 cities less than a week apart.  yes, i love less than jake.  they put on one of the best live shows you'll ever see.  insanely high energy.  keep your fingers crossed that they play "my own flag" twice for me, eh?

typing that made me wanna hear the song so i went and you tubed it.  found a vid of some band covering it.  my god were they horrible.  if you want to enjoy some chills of the douche variety, check out this video, if you've ever given a damn about any song you'll understand what it's like to hear it massacred by someone else.  an a+ for song choice an f- for song execution.

is there even such thing as an f-?  can you worse than fail?

to wrap up my vaca, i'm hoping to check out ozomatli who happen to be playing irving plaza the day after less than jake.  haven't found anyone who wants to join me yet though, so we may just scrap those plans.

friday shall be my day of rest.

speaking of virginia, was listening to opie and anthony on the way into work and the boys were picking on lil jimmy norton about his obsessiveness when it comes to getting pictures with celebs.  apparently, he's so into it that he's fairly easily tricked into taking pics with nobodies because someone told him it was somebody.

back when i was a kid down in virginia, we used to go to the tides games fairly often.  the tides are currently the triple a affiliate of the baltimore orioles, but at the time, they were the mets triple a team. so i gave a damn about them.

one day while my friend brian was down visiting we went to the game.  and true to form went autograph hunting.  we got so into it that we even got some usher's autograph because he was employee of the month or something.  i have no idea why we did that, but it was fun.

after the game we waited around for the players, because that's what potential victims of a pedophile do, they wait as prey.  we got a few more signatures and were on our way to the car.  that's when we saw a guy wearing what looked like expensive sunglasses.  it was night time so he had to be a player.  so we walked up to him and asked him to sign our programs.  he either didn't speak english or was dumbfounded as to why we'd want his autograph, but after some prodding, he did the deed for us.

he signed "romo."  when we got home we went through the program several times wondering why there was no romo, first name or last, listed.  we decided to ourselves that he'd only recently been moved up to triple a and therefore wasn't in the program.

either that, or he was just some random guy...

packing materials...

(posted from treo. maintenance later.)

so i've ordered a bunch of stuff since christmas. parts for my computer, playstation accessories, spices and other cooking paraphernalia, and of course...a guitar. most of the things I ordered came in boxes too big for them and needed some sort of material to keep it from bouncing around and breaking itself.

many different packing materials exist. paper of different sorts (news or a thicker tissue paper), lil bags filled with air, and of course everyone's favourite...styrofoam pieces of various shapes and sizes.
the packing materials all suck and need to be disposed because it's fairly useless to you unless you are also packing and shipping things.

the paper and baggies are easy enough, crumple em up and throw em out. the styrofoam is a bitch, but doable. what if we came up with a better package filler? a filler that can absorb shock, keep your package from shifting in transit, is easily disposed of AND makes anyone who sees it immediately fill with glee.

why don't we use marshmallows?

small, fluffy, abundant, cheap, delicious , and the epitome of happiness marshmallows would solve all problems with disposing of that extra stuff in the box. not only did you get a new toy, but you also got a box full of marshmallows!! wanna get rid of em? eat em! put em in your hot chocolate, make rice krispy treats, have an "i got a package party!"

yup, marshmallows...the packing material of the future! tell your friends!