that guy over there...

when shit hits the fan...

wow it's been a while.  not that anyone was sitting around hoping for a new update.  i gotta say i've no excuse.  my creativity was sucked dry by the stupid facebook game mafia wars.  yes, mafia wars. 

what's so fun about that game chris?  why did it keep you from us?

well, i gotta say, nothing.  i'm not incredibly certain what the draw is.  basically the premise of the game is to sit around and wait for numbers ot get higher. when the numbers get high enough, you're allowed to click a button which makes other numbers go higher.  then you wait for the first numbers to get high enough to click the button again.  all the while using the numbers you get for clicking the button to make other numbers go higher.

i also play epic pet wars, but that's not nearly as time consuming even though it's essentially the same game.  it uses cute lil pet like things.  it's basically tomagatchi with numbers.

so yeah, that's why i was missing for the last week. 

so the shit hit the fan today.  not anything major, but it's definitely made my day more interesting than a normal sunday in which nothing happens.

see, it all started when we noticed one of my porters had yet to arrive.  ha managed to call in and say he wasn't coming at 330.  30 minutes after he was actually supposed to show up.  that sucks because it makes it basically impossible to get someone to cover.  which is bad, but fine. 

after my elevator guy guy stuck in the elevator.  yay!  i officially have no porters.  i don't normally like ot bug my boss, but i figured this is a situation he'd want to know about.  it's no win with my boss.  he gets annoyed if i bug him (which he should it's his weekend), yet if i were to leave him out of the loop he'd be pissed at that too.  yeah kinda womanly.  it doesn't matter that i had it all figured out before even mentioning it to him.

so he comes down.  why?  because he enjoys pacing through the lobby making people who had no idea the building was falling apart around them scared shitless.  i guess.  i told him we had everything under control.  in fact i said "you may not know it, but we're pretty damn good at what we do."  to which he replied "you're right, i don't know it."  ahh that boss oh mine, always one to inspire the troops!

right about then one of my favourite residents came in for her bi monthly visit.  super sexy brazillian lady who has gotten into the habit of kissing me hello.  i'm not sure how or why, but kissing a gorgeous woman is not something i'm in the habit of avoiding.  so i play along every time.

after we had our pleasantries the boss wondered aloud what the hell i just did.  "you mean kiss ms. x hello?"  he nodded in the affirmative.  "wouldn't you?"  he gave me some sort of death look.  which is when i gave him teh same look back and told him that if she walked in and told me to drop trou for my hello spanking, he'd of been staring at my bare ass until she was done,  oddly he seemed to accept that response.

so then he took the elevator.  which while it wasn't necesary, was helpful.  and fun.  see, i got to be his boss!  i love when that happens.  and thankfully it got pretty busy when he was in there.  it's always nice to give the man in charge a tiny taste of the shit you shield him from dealing with every day.

delicious shots > manly shots (and other saturday randoms)...

i needed to do laundry last night and i failed miserably in that task.  i'm on my last "wow i didn't even know i still had these" pair of boxers and a couple of socks that are clean but probably shouldn't be worn anyway due to a small hole. 

went out and hit up happy hour with my cuz yesterday,  was a hell of a good time that in all honesty, i wasn't expecting.  this is why i enjoy being a pessimist, if you think something won't be good and it is, you win.  if you think it won't be good and it isn't, you aren't disappointed.

so we were up at the stumble inn, happy hour consisted of everything in the bar being half price.  so i drank a few pitchers of hardcore cider.  hardcore is a decent, but not great cider.  better than nothing but not nearly as good as original sin, magners, or woodpecker.  why the cider instead of a mixed drink?  well, we were playing beer pong. 

it's been ages since i've played beer pong.  i wasn't surprised to find out i still kind of suck at it.  i've never really been good at games of skill involving alcohol.  darts, pool, picking up women.  i sorta suck at the bunch of em.  that is, unless i'm in the zone.

the zone is a period of time between your third and sixth drink.  before the zone you're too sober, think about everything too much, and psych yourself out.  after the zone you're too drunk, don't think enough, and aren't very good at it anyway.  while in the zone, you've got just the right amount of concentration to think something and execute it properly.

i didn't get a game until i was half way through my third pitcher.  figuring a pitcher is 3 or 4 pints, i was well past the zone.  i didn't do badly, i hit 3 of the 10 cups and a fourth to seal the game.  oddly i did better when the guys on the other team were trying to distract me.  i guess that's when my mind kicked in and said "oh yeah, watch this shit!"  there's not much better in life than rising to the occasion and shutting the trash talkers up.

afterward, we retired to the bar.  after a couple of beverages a shot was in order.  but what to shoot?  jack, tequila and jaeger were all suggested.  all fine suggestions with the exception of tequila.  tequila sucks unless it's mixed with lime juice, a bit or sour mix, and maybe some triple sec to make a lovely margarita (or making a cameo in a long island iced tea). 

tequila is probably the one thing i will refuse to drink.  it's disgusting.  a friends girlfriend once called me on that and dared me to do a shot of the high end patron.  "you'll change your mind about tequila."  so they chilled it up nice and we downed the shot.  "see, wasn't that amazing?"  it wasn't.  i'd of preferred some bar sludge (in trying to link to a definition of bar sludge, i find it's most commonly called a jersey turnpike.  here's a you tube video).  yup i've done bar sludge before and i'd do it again if it meant not having to drink that disgusting mexican shit.

so what shot did we wind up doing?  a sweedish fish.  i explained to my drinking brethren that a delicious shot is almost always better than a manly shot.  both tastewise and ability to do multiple wise.  what's in a sweedish fish?  dont' feel bad for asking our wonderful bartender was unfamiliar with it too.  it's peach schnapps, black haus, and cranberry.  equal parts of each.  what's it taste like?  well the reaction from one of the doubters in my group was "wow, that really tastes like the candy!"  indeed it does.  so yeah, why do a shot that'll burn your throat when you can have one that tastes like delicious candy?  i can't think of a reason.

while we were there a few marines walked in.  it's fleet week here in nyc, so we've got plenty of navy and marines walking around.  i don't know about you but when i see a member of the armed services in a bar, i buy him or her a drink and say thank you.  i told our lovely barkeep to get the guys whatever they wanted and she said "do you mean serve them or are you buying them a drink?"  i looked at her, and said "i sure as hell hope you're gonna serve them, i don't care if they've id or not.  but i meant i'd buy em a drink."  she smiled and took care of the guys.

i picked up ufc 2009: undisputed the other day.  had myself an expiring best buy reward zone credit, some birthday money, and heard good things about it.  gotta say, it's a hell of a game.  only have about 2 hours of playtime under my belt, most of which was spent doing (and forgetting) the tutorial, but the graphics are pretty amazing and the fighting action damn good.

it's supposed to have a pretty good create a fighter/career mode so i'll get around to that soon.  i plan on making my guy an insanely fat, flaming homosexual, black man.  why?  because i think it will be funny.  in fact, as good a fighting game as it is, it could easily be a sex simulator.  from the cinches that look like 2 guys making out to most of the ground game (especially "north-south" position which is a glorified name for "those two dudes are 69ing") it really does look like people fucking.  in fact, they have one of the ring girls between rounds and her tits bounce fairly realistically.  it's almost as if they put those motion sensor balls on em and told her to jump.

now for some shameless plugging.  i'm really digging a new search site (well, new to me) called swagbucks.  here's how it works, you use their search engine, every now and then you'll get a special surprise telling you you just earned a swagbuck.  use swagbucks to get prizes.  profit. 

they say they're using search results from google and yahoo, which i can say is pretty accurate.  the few times i've run a separate search on google it's come up with pretty much the same stuff.  only there was no chance to be made extra happy by winning something.

so yeah, check it out.  it can't hurt can it?  if you're nice you'll use my link or if you're the type of person who hates being reffered so you can say you found it first, just head over to swagbucks.com.  i guess it'd make me just as happy you joined and get a happy surprise even if i don't get anything for it...

thanks bud selig (and other sports randoms)...!

major league baseball and fox announced world series games will start about 40 minutes earlier this year, at around 7:57 pm eastern time.  this means games have half a chance of ending on the day they were actually started playing in east coast households, a milestone baseball stopped caring about years ago.

"our goal is to schedule games so the largest number of people can watch, and fox has gone to an enormous amount of effort to make this happen. It's been a great joint effort between the two us," mlb commissioner selig said, hoping to appear as if he gives a rat's ass about the people who watch his sport.

"an enormous amount of effort?"  for fuck's sake, it was as easy as deleting the "8:38" and typing "7:57"  i go through more effort getting out of bed each morning. 

don't get me wrong, it's nice the games are starting earlier.  it means people might actually see the end of most games, but to pretend any effort went into "hey we're starting the games a lil earlier, so you should probably turn the cameras on early too." is insulting, 

according to the story selig also threw out the concept of starting saturday games in the afternoon something fox shot down.  apparently according to their research viewership would be down 30% if games were played during a time most of the population could be home and awake to watch them.  let's repeat that slowly and obnoxiously to see if it makes any sense:  VIEWERSHIP     WOULD     BE     DOWN     THIRTY     PERCENT     IF     GAMES     WERE     PLAYED     DURING     A     TIME     MOST     OF     THE     POPULATION     COULD     BE     HOME     AND     AWAKE     TO     WATCH     THEM.

nope, still doesn't make any sense...  what fox' research really said is "fuck the fans and people who actually want to see the game, ad revenue would be down if the game wasn't in prime time."  hrmm, that makes a lot more sense.

in other sports news, pittsburgh steelers linebacker james harrison will once again not be joining his team when they visit the head liar, i mean president, at the white house on thursday.  ""if you want to see the pittsburgh steelers, invite us when we don't win the super bowl," he told pittsburgh's wtae-tv. "so as far as i'm concerned he would have invited arizona if they had won."

president obama replied "well, duh..." and slapped his forehead mockingly like a 4 year old.

bravo james!  you tell 'em!  who the fuck is the president to want to celebrate excellence?  why award the best when we could just as easily acknowledge someone or a group of someones who were entirely mediocre?  we'd probably stub our toe if we put our best foot forward, so let's invite all the "c" students of america and show them off, eh?  (hmm...perhaps that joke may have been funnier if we didn't just let a "c" student fuck us for 8 years.)

oddly, many heads of state in africa, central america, and other third world nations did, in fact, invite the cardinals to congratulate them on their victory and thank them for the many free shirts...  

finally in our sports around the world round up, we have vince mcmahon proving why he may have the biggest balls the world has ever seen...

"even though the denver nuggets had a strong team this year and were projected to make the playoffs, obviously nuggets and pepsi center owner stan kroenke did not have enough faith in his own team to hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game," wwe chairman vince mcmahon said in a statement.

see, vince was mad that the nba has a playoff game scheduled for the pepsi center on the same day monday night raw is scheduled to broadcast live in front of a sold out arena.

the pepsi center has decided to allow the event that has the most chance of being legitimate take place as scheduled.  kobe's trip to the finals or triple h's road to the championship?  well, at least the wwe acknowledges it's scripted...

things are harder when drunk...?

my brother texted me today.  hrmm this sounds oddly like that last post.  and it's true too!  otherwise i'd of had nothing today. 

so yeah, he texted me asking if i had his playstation 3 controller.  i of course had no idea why he'd think this.  he was just up here for my birthday, but i didn't think he'd bring a controller and we certainly didn't play any playstation (in fact, i've played maybe 3 hours of video games on it since january.  great blu ray player though).

he got back to me saying he think i mistakenly took it when i grabbed what i thought was my controller from his place in march.

see, i went down to virginia right before st. patty's day to see less than jake and hang with the family a bit.  my brother and i went to the show and promptly drank a bottle of jack at the cost of $8 a cup.  we could have saved a shit ton of money staying home and drinking a bit longer or even going to a bar.  the opening band (who's name escapes me) wasn't bad, but certainly wasn't worth the premium of alcohol prices.

after the show we went home to play some madden.  i had brought my controller and the game and was looking forward to playing...until the controller wouldn't sync.

we tried for 20 minutes or so pressing random buttons, turning the playstation on and off, even unsucessfully trying to google "sync playstation 3 controller" for directions before giving up to watch zack and miri make a porno.

i don't really remember zach and miri at all, it wasn't offensive, but there was nothing stand out great about it (and i am a kevin smith fanboy).  i do remember my bro and i restarting the movie because after watching the first half an hour of it we began asking each other questions integral to the movie such as "who the fuck is that?" and "what the hell is this movie about?"  at that point, we decided we were too drunk to figure it out and the do over seemed necessary.

side note:  we watched the dane cook bomb my best friend's girl immediately after and despite our drunken state, it was total and complete crap and we knew it fairly quickly.

anyway, here's the text convo i had with my bro while half asleep:

bro:  i think u have my ps3 controller
me:  why would you bring a ps3 controller?
bro:  last time u were down here.  have u tried to use it yet?  i just used mine and it would not sink up.
me:  no, i haven't tried to use it.  ya need to use the wire to sync it..could be wrong though.
bro:  yea thats all u need to do.  its funny how easy it was sober!

fattest row and gayest question ever (EVER!!!)...

got a text from my boy (single) mike for my birthday.  mike rules.  this made me think of mike which brought to mind a couple of stories.  neither particularly interesting, but is any of the drivel on this page?

way back when (lets say 5 years, probably more) when our friend brian lived in san diego, we decided a trip to vegas would be in order.  vegas was a great idea because both jet blue and song (delta's reduced fare airline) flew there for 99$ each way.  dirt cheap!  a fun fact about this trip is mike and i flying form nyc had cheaper flights than brian, who pretty much could have walked, did.

mike's a fun guy, always goes that extra mile to entertain himself and, usually, everyone around him.  we're about to board the plane to vegas when mike grabs my hand, locks fingers, and tells me how much he loves me and how much fun he thinks we're gonna have.  "i got us the honeymoon suite" he loudly "whispered" in my ear before planting a big kiss on my cheek.

true to form he had managed to make me entirely uncomfortable which had him laughing on the inside for the entire flight and quite openly as he told the story to brian the next day upon his arrival.

the fact that we were so close (mike cuddled me when we got to our seat) was even funnier when our row mate had arrived.  she had the window seat and openly sighed when she realized she would be sitting next to two fat gay guys.  i'm not certain if the sigh was because she thought we were gay and would disrupt her quiet 6 hour flight or because she, herself, was pretty damn fat and she realized the three of us combined would likely make up THE FATTEST ROW in the history of modern flight.

let's put this in perspective.  mike and i are both sorta big guys.  we both tend to shrink and grow anywhere from being a little chubby (also known as being morbidly obese in miami) and pretty fucking fat (meaning we'd be normal guys in the midwest).  at this point in the time line we'd both been good for a bit and were on the thinner side, which for each of us still comes in at around 220 or so.  the woman was bigger than both of us.  this means our row weighed at least 750 pounds possibly as much as 800.  it's bad enough when fat folks inner thighs rub together, we were getting rub rashes on our outer thighs.

if anyone was on that flight to vegas and wondered why the plane seemed to be leaning to the left...sorry.  believe it or not, we were entirely comfy.  fat people usually are.

fast forward a few years to last week.  we're at hibernia celebrating mike's most recent return .  i say most recent because we celebrate mike's return every other month which sounds like a lot until you compare it to how we celebrated brian's return from san diego seemingly every other week.

we're at the bar having just done a shot when mike turns to me and said "i'm about to ask you the gayest question you'll ever be asked."  this is an odd statement coming from mike.  considering how far he's willing to go for a laugh, what could he mean by gayest question?  was he gonna ask me to take a look at a growth on his cock?  did he want to see mine? 

we're talking about a guy who once brought me a gay porn magazine for my birthday and admitted looking through several to find the funniest one.  turned out to be the one where naked well hung twinks wore gas masks and apparently were farting in each other's faces...though you couldn't see that in the mag.  

what could possibly be the gayest question ever?

"will you be in my wedding party?"

"dude!  of fuckin' course i will!"  i gave him a big hug to congratulate him again on his engagement.  "it'd be a fuckin' honour man."  we ordered a shot and downed em.  "what was so gay about that?"

"well, ya know, it's just kinda awkward..."

then he closed his eyes, leaned his head in, and (for the sake of comedy) we made out at the bar for 5 minutes.

"oh, that's what you meant..."

stupid fuckin kid...

see lots of people here at work.  it is a 43 story building after all.  gotta say, there's a disturbing trend amongst today's young folks...

they don't know how to do a god damned thing for themselves.

just had a kid come up to me to tell me he lost his towel at the pool.  "what should i do?" he asked.  i was stunned by this question because if i were in his position the first thing i'd do is..fucking look for the thing.

seeing as though he was more concerned in having someone else find it than god forbid doing something himself, i told him to let the pool folks know and have his host check with the pool later.

a few minutes of sitting on my couch later, he had garbage.  "what do i do with this?"  "you throw it out," i replied.  he looked dumbfounded.  i told him where a trash can was.  he decided to hold it in his pocket.

a few more minutes later he asked if he could use my phone.  sure!

kid:  how do i dial?
me:  just straight out, you don't have to hit 9 or anything.
kid:  *dials*  *looks at phone as if it did something wrong*
kid:  it says i have to dial the area code.
me:  well, you always have to dial the area code
kid:  what is the area code?
me:  *resists urge to strangle kid for good of humanity* well, the area code here is 212.  i don't know what the area code you need to call is though.
kid:  i am calling cell phone.
me:  a cell phone?  well if it's new york based, it's probably 917.
kid:  *dials*
kid:  hello mom?  where are you? 
kid's mom:  *imagines a better world filled with flowers and bunnies in which her uterus rejected the dud of a fetus she now has to talk to and care for*
kid:  ok, so i should wait?  what should i do?  ok, i'll be right out. 
kid:  *hangs up, neglects to say thank you, walks away*

i guess he's the reason we don't keep score at children's sporting events...

stupid fuckin kid
can't do anything for self
world is in trouble

no applause please (and other almost 30 randoms)...

almost my birthday and look what i got myself...mmmm, 11 sexy as hell redheads.  even the old one who has her hair cut short like a boy in the top middle is kinda hot.

i'm pretty good at figuring out the source of all my lil fetishes, but i'm not certain about redheads.  there's two potential reasons.

the first is my mother doesn't like redheads.  doesn't trust them for some reason.  in fact my dad had (has?  i doubt he's dead) a cousin who's a redhead and my mom didn't like him very much.  i don't' particularly remember anything horrible about him, mom just wasn't a fan.

the second is the little mermaid.  ariel was pretty fuckin hot for a cartoon and could sing.  plus her goal in life was to grow some legs so she could spread em for some dude.  that's fuckin hot.  who wouldn't be turned on by that?  back in the day my mom babysat this lil girl (in a really scary, "you're fuckin old" moment, that girl is probably 18 and legal now) she watched the little mermaid CONSTANTLY.  it was literally always on. 

what's great is even an ugly redhead is hot in my book.  on a scale of 1 to 10, redheads start off with a 3, by default.  got curly hair?  prolly another 1, cuz i dig curls.  knocked up?  that gets ya at least a half.  so an ugly knocked up redhead with curly hair is at a 4.5 in my world before she does the slightest thing to attempt to look better.

was at the last mets game with brian last year.  we had this convo.

me:  ooh, a redhead!  oh, damn...i guess she's a 3.
brian:  i give her a negative 1.5.
me:  no, you don't understand, redheads get an automatic 3 from me just for being red.
brian:  that's WITH your 3 points.

no, the girl wasn't very attractive at all, but i never thought to start with negative numbers...that's kinda rude, ain't it?

so i saw star trek thursday night.  star trek was a pretty fucking awesome movie.  in fact it's 96% fresh on rotten tomatoes.  i'm prolly gonna go check it out again on thursday.  not something i'd normally do, but it was damn good and will be worth it.  plus, the tickets were already bought. 

what was really weird was people felt the need to applaud the film.  i could be wrong, but i don't think anyone involved with the making of the film was there in the theater with us, so at best they were applauding the kid who ran the projector.  at worst, they were applauding a really large white piece of material that stopped beams of light so we could view them coherently.  all in all there was no bloody reason to cheer anything.

on the subject of random applause, i've flown to puerto rico a couple of times.  both times upon landing safely, the plane erupted in cheers and applause.  i thought it was really cool to applaud the captain who just successfully controlled a couple of tons of steel and humanity as it hurled through the air at speeds man was not meant to travel and put it down safely at his intended target.  yeah, that's fucking awesome.

but i wonder...would they boo if the captain got on and told them to brace for impact because they were about to go down in the middle of the atlantic? i'd think you'd have to, right?

captain:  uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captian mike hunt speaking.  i'm sorry to announce it seems we've lost both engines and while we still have some options to get them up and going again, i'm gonna go ahead and put up the fasten seat belts sign and ask you all to return to your seats and brace for potential impact.  hope you read those safety cards folks...

plane passengers:  *in unison* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

*crash*

might not do any good, but i bet you'd feel better about your impending doom, eh?

and before i go, a big thanks to aidan, eddie & mark at hibernia (50th and 9th in the heart of new york city) as well as anyone end everyone who dropped by on friday to help lube the gateway to 30 with a ton of alcohol.  the fact that i remember little if anything after 230 am is a testament to the hella fantastic job you guys did.

the craic was mighty indeed.

got pr0n (part 2 of most likely just 2)...?

when last we spoke, we discussed (or rather i pontificated) the ease in which a 12 year old seeking release has it much easier these days (and even a decade ago) over poor lil 12 year old me.  and that was just your typical mass produced generic hot girl in a magazine type porn.  there is better in life...

getting a girl you know (or better, don't really know) to let you see her naked (or ultimately in a more compromising situation).

here's the thing.  back in the day (before the net) you didn't really have a chance at seeing a girl you didn't really know naked.  there was just no way to get in contact with her in the first place, so the kids now have the edge already.  but we'll go ahead and fast forward to the internet age, the dawn of AOL, and 14.4 baud modems.  (kids these days don't even know you used to have to dial a phone number to get to the internet).

so you're on aol.  you're talking to a girl (and you're fairly certain she's actually a girl).  you're cybering.  and you finally get the nerve to ask if you can see her.  surprisingly, she agrees and tells you she'll have a pic for you in a few days.  a few days?  but i want to see you naked now!  well, yes.  this is the dawn of the internet, there are no digital cameras.

in order to let you see her naked the girl must follow these steps.

1.  take naked pictures of herself
1a.  hope the self shots were any good

2.  get those pictures developed by a total stranger who will now also get to see her naked (or see the floor over her shoulder/between her knees)

3.  take those pictures to work where she has to scan them using a community scanner potentially allowing co-workers to see the shots.

4.  bring a floppy disk with those pictures home, hoping no one in the house sees them either.

5.  send them to you with the upstream of her 14.4 modem which will likely keep her from having enough bandwidth to IM you back.

and then you finally here it!  "you've got mail!"  oh that fucking voice never sounded so good. 

you open the mail, hit download, and see the box pop up as the picture slowly fills it line by line by line.

hmm, face isn't great, but who cares, she's naked. 
she's kinda chubby, but who cares, she's naked.
wow, she didn't shave, that kinda sucks (but it's still the 90s so accepted)

and then you gotta act as if you're impressed while you wonder how you ever let this girl who just killed the image you imagined by being nothing like she described herself.  your dick is mad at you for stroking it to a girl that looks like that (even though you had no idea).  you have to be nice to her even though you'd never give her the time of day otherwise, and worse...she's now in love with you and IMs you every time you log on.  you just wanted to check your email and bs with friends, but here comes fatty.  AGAIN.  your screen resolution is only 640x480 and those im boxes take up a lot of room.  and too much of it is going to her....fuck.

let's compare that with the kids of today.  to see a girl they know naked, they just have to sweet talk her enough to get her to snap a pic or 12 with her cell.  because every X year old girl has a cell phone.  it's called sexting, and while i'm not certain i'd of been the recipient of any of it back in the day, i'm damn sure jealous i never had the chance.

what about the girls you don't know?  webcams!  find a girl you like (you get to see em ahead of time), type a few words maybe let her see you, and next thing you know she's on all fours fucking her own ass with a hair brush for your entertainment.

oh to be a kid again...

hi brenz (and other bored on the train randoms)...!

(posted from treo. pic, etc later)

odds are this is my last "live" update until tuesday or so. my clock strikes 30 soon enough and folks are in town and i'm fairly certain i won't give a shit about this place till it's all over. think of me going into a cocoon and when i come out i'll be, no fucking different really.

but don't forget part 2 of the porn post tomorrow.

so brendan dropped by the other day. I like when he drops by cuz he only does it every so often and then he comments on a bunch of posts. This leads me to read those posts. See, I have tremendous add and generally forget what i've written two seconds after I post it.

so I go back and read the stuff, and somehow don't normally recall writing it and often think to myself "this guy's fuckin brilliant!" of course I am...if I wrote it, I clearly agree with it. Why wouldn't I think i'm smart? My favourite example of this is my brownie post, which I recently quoted because I didn't think I could say it any better than me.

so hi brenz!

Now that i'm on the precipice (as an aside i was nowhere near spelling precipice correctly) of the big three-oh, i've been gettin asked about finding a girl, getting married and having some kids. 2 out of 3 of those sound pretty good. I love women and want kids. I think I could do without the marriage thing. I'm not really a guy who wears jewelry and I like my stuff, don't wanna split it up if the relationship goes sour.

it's funny, the biggest factor folks bring up when the subject comes up is kids. "don't you want to have kids while you're young so you can enjoy them?" what? ya shittin me? I want to enjoy being young while I'm young. I think the problem here is life expectancy used to be lower so you were stupid not to drop a kid by 23. These days it's not so much the case.

i'm gonna live till 90. Probably longer. When i'm 82 i'll be perfectly able to pop a lil blue pill, drop a load in a functioning baby machine, and have a prize pop out 9 months later (barring ball cancer or the mumps of course). There's no problems there. So no, i'm not worried.

leaves me to wonder what the rush is. but I promise i'll start looking harder soon.

Here's a question. Is it stupid to drop about $500 to go to chicago for a day?

the day would be great. early flight in, cubs/cards at wrigley, drinking in wrigleyville (with brian, amy, sean and others) after, chi town deep dish, more drinking (with likely more people), then a nap and a flight back the next morning.

i'm inclined to do it, but everyone i've asked says it's a really stupid idea which I also agree with.

what to do, what to do?

ahh well, it's tunnel time. catch youse laster.

got pr0n (part 1 of at least 2)...?

porn is a funny thing, a guy's goal in life is to find a girl who'll make him not need it anymore, but even after finding her (some do, right?) you still can't resist wanting to see it.  a lot of girls (the good ones) understand this and don't mind.  the bad one's don't and send us back to the dark ages of being 12 and trying to hide it from our parents.

was having a conversation with a kid i know (he's 21, but i'm 30 so i get to call him a kid), about how jealous i was at the ease in which he's been able to get porn in his lifetime.  included in this is the ever special real girl porn.  ya know, just a girl who's gonna get naked for you, instead of a mag or a vid or what have you.

see, back in the day we didn't really have the internet (i don't think al gore invented it until the mid 90's).  that means i had about 5 years of relying on mostly magazines. i say mostly because as i found out in 6th or 7th grade my dad apparently had a "gourmet" video.  since he liked cooking i wondered why the movie was hidden in his drawer, so i watched it one day.  yeah.  they were cooking all right, so well i made plenty of sauce along with em.

my great luck aside, getting fapping material as a kid was kinda hard.  first you had to find a store that kept it's smut in a part of the store secluded enough that random people (adults) you knew couldn't see you perusing it, yet open enough that it wouldn't be weird that you might be there.  after doing that, you had to know the guy would sell it to you. 

the wait as he looked at you, looked at the mag, then looked at you again was the absolute worst.  it's worse than the wait for your credit card to be approved when you think you might be close to the limit (hell, i still wonder even if i know i'm nowhere near it).  it's the ultimate awkwardness.  you're standing there with a strange foreign man both knowing he gets to decide if you're about to run home and blow a load or walk away dejected with blue balls.  we called our guy "hindu bob (oddly this is the same name we gave to the guy at the liquor store that would sell to us years later)."  hindu bob never turned me down, but he often made me sweat it out.   

in comparison, a 12 year old today who wants to get off just needs to turn off filtering in google images and will find something within 3 search pages regardless of the search term he used.

jealous?  hell yeah i am, and it gets worse.  come back thursday, would ya?