that guy over there...

e*trade and lindsay lohan's reputation...

 so apparently lindsay lohan is suing e*trade.  see, e*trade has a commercial, i think.  in the commercial are some babies.  one of them is named lindsay.  this baby is apparently a crack smoking whore, alcoholic who becomes a lesbian on a whim when attention around her dies down.  this is clearly not conduct a baby should partake in.  for whatever reason lindsay has decided this baby is an insult to both her and her reputation.

why?  well, because the baby's name is lindsay.  and clearly when you hear the name lindsay you think of lindsay lohan?  why?  because she's a celebrity.  and celebrities are always known but their first name.  ya know, like successful attentions whores madonna and cher.  lindsay has made herself such a part of the culture that the mere mention of the name lindsay lights up the room and brings her likeness to everyone's mind.

personally, when i hear the name i think of a girl i used to fuck in high school, but that's besides the point.

now here's the thing.  lindsay wants ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  she's dr. evil times 100.  half of that is punitive for the pain and suffering caused by her tripping over her own ego and the other half is compensatory to pay her for being the subject of the ad.  the ad she starred in by name alone even though she had nothing to do with the thing.

now, don't get me wrong.  i'm calling shenanigans on this, there's no way lindsay has snorted enough coke (not even $100 million worth) to think she even matters for more than 3 seconds and  there's no way a real lawyer would look at the case and say "yup, you deserve $100 million."  my bet is she took offense, called e*trade they said "hey, sorry you feel that way, want a stuffed monkey from those commercials we did 10 years ago?"  

then they made a plan to both get exposure:

lindsay sues and gets in the news because she hasn't mattered for a while.  e*trade gets their ad played on every gossip site (and worse) most news sites for free.  gratis.  millions upon millions of people who don't have a fucking thing to do with themselves but care about celebs watch the ad.  BRILLIANT!

but for the purposes of comedy, lets pretend it is a real lawsuit.  in this world lindsay's side will have made their presentation and rested.  e*trade's lawyer will get up and begin to plead his case and here it is...

"your honor, the plaintiff ms. lohan claims we have sullied her reputation.  to refute this, i present defense exhibit "a."  pictures of ms. lohan's vagina.  

*pregnant pause*

i rest my case."

it's movie award time...!

 so tonight they give out movie awards, i think.  honestly i'm not incredibly certain but the radio has been talking about em and so has twitter.  since those are my two sources of news i'm going to go ahead and assume it's tonight because i'm pretty sure it's sunday.

so there's the emmys, the grammys, and the oscars.  again, i'm not sure but i think tonight is the oscars.  i attempt to remember this with a handy mnemonic.  "going to the movies with other people makes me grouchy because they usually talk and leave their phones on and are otherwise annoying.  oscar the grouch is also always annoyed." 

i said it was handy, i didn't say it held up to the standard of "my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas."  then again, at least mine still works properly, the scientists told pluto to fuck off a few years ago.  ya know what'd be great?  if the only other celestial body in the cosmos that had life on it was pluto and they sent a ship to blow the hell out of us for taking away their standing as a planet.

onto the awards!  i wouldn't put much stock into these picks as the only newish movies i've seen in the past nine months are "star trek," "big fan," a documentary about the food industry, parts of "up in the air," the first 10 minutes of "men who stare at goats," and "if you want to fuck my daughter you have to fuck me first."

(to find out the nominees, i googled "movie awards."  the first thing to come up was mtv's awards.  fifth on the list were the oscars.  i'm going to guess the oscars are what we want.)

directing aka best director:  i think we'll go ahead an give this to the chick from hurt locker.  i didn't see hurt locker, but i heard it was pretty all right.  also, i figure the voting folks want to save themselves the abortion of james cameron giving his speech in some made up fucking language that isn't klingon.

actress in a supporting role:  the girl from up in the air is really cute, but that's not enough for an award.  the title goes to mo'nique so they can say they were inclusive of fucking morons who randomly put punctuation in their names.  seriously, what the fuck purpose does that apostrophe serve other than making it harder to pull up her police record?

actress in a leading role:  unfortunately for precious (i heard she was pretty good), we've already given an award to a black person and that fulfilled the "look, we're not racist!" quota.  complicating things more is hat we've never heard of her and will never hear from her again.  unless of course there's a "precious 2:  kfc fights back."  this award goes to sandra bullock because even though she's a pretty horrible actress she's been in many many big money movies.  also because in her movie she was nice to a black person which will make the voters feel good about themselves.

actor in a supporting role:  wow, woody harrelson was in a movie?  damn i almost want to give it to him, but this one comes down to really good nazi guy vs guy who unified south africa.  huge balls vs feel good story.  we're gonna go with huge balls because we already gave sandra bullock our feel good story award.  so christoph waltz it is.

actor in a leading role:  clooney got nominated?  seriously?  damn, i find it hard watching him in movies i liked after the abortion that was michael clayton.  morgan freeman is up to.  i love morgan freeman!  gotta love his career he went from a chauffeur to a life long criminal to president to god and was believable in every role.  unfortunately mo'nique already won which means the emmy, er oscar goes to...jeff bridges.

best picture:  there are ten nominees this year.  not because there were ten really great movies that all deserved consideration, but because it lets ten movies instead of five write "nominated for best picture" on their blu ray box.  this will lead to idiots buying shitty movies.  seriously in what year would a sappy but happy non-event of a movie like "the blind side" get a best picture nomination?  i rarely watch movies and i know that's bullshit.  also, two sci fi movies?  i understand avatar because it was ground breaking, but district 9?  wasn't that supposed to be "halo: the movie?

and if we're giving out 10 nods, where the fuck is star trek?  other than an obsessive use of lens flare that movie was amazing.  

of the 10, only two are really even contenders.  it's avatar vs hurt locker.  cameron against his ex wife (or so i've heard).  my guess is this was already decided in the divorce and since the woman gets all the friends and the stuff, she gets the trophy as well.  cue sentimental speech about supporting our troops and we've got ourselves an evening...

i'm a hero...

tough to be hero
but someone's gotta do it
might as well be me 

yep, it's true.  i'm a hero.  a life saver.  someone to be looked up to.

we'll begin the story like this.  anyone who knows me knows i'm kinda a little insane.  not bad insane, i've complete knowledge, acceptance, and control of all my psychoses and foibles.  other than my ability to be a major asshole at times (which just means i'll live a lot longer) they won't hurt anyone, not even me.  

my favourite is my ability to take anything and completely blow it out of proportion.  this is almost always entertaining for me and possibly my audience (consisting of whoever may be around at the time).  while i always humour and laugh with myself, for those around it can go either way.  sometimes they laugh with me, sometimes they laugh at me.  since i'm going for a laugh i don't particularly mind which they choose.

wednesday seemed like it was going to be a particularly boring day at work.  certain folks who normally keep the day moving by bothering us were not around and there was nothing particularly interesting going on otherwise.  the day before we had people trapped in the elevator.  i had made all the calls to the people who fix such situations and we got them out.  it was incredibly routine. well, at least until i decided to see what kind of reaction i'd get to declaring myself a life saving hero.

when i announced to my colleagues my status as a hero, about to be honoured by the mayor with the key to the city for excellence, valour, and going above and beyond in the face of danger bobby took exception mighty quickly.  that was pretty much all i needed to get started.  see, bobby is kind of the straight man to my wacky ass, though it's more "seriously?  are you fuckin serious?" than playing along to be in on the act.  after it's demonstrated i will keep us entertained for the day by being nuts, he will feed me a bit, but only to be amazed at how far i'll take it and actually seem to believe it.

and so it began.  thankfully my voice was working well enough to not suck at singing so i started off with "wind beneath your wings," my version of the bette midler classic.

"did you ever know that i'm your hero?  i'm everything that you'd like to be.  you can fly higher than an eagle.  cuz i am the wind beneath your wings.."

i can even (and did) do that "fly!  fly!  fly away!" part.

moved on to "hero" by mariah carey and at bobby's suggestion (though he was amazed and surprised it was next on the list anyway) "i need a hero" by pat benatar,  i explained to him that part of my powers as a hero were to be able to recall almost any song i've ever heard, even ones i hate, and perform them.  not always well (hell sometimes not ever well) but i will belt them out.  especially when i'm in this sort of mood.

as the night went on, i began to tell others of my heroics only to watch bobby tell them why i am not, in fact, a hero.  thankfully everyone played along and it was fun for all involved.

the first highlight of the evening came a couple hours later.  after way too long of my singing, dancing, and telling tales of heroically making phone calls to people who would actually do something about the problem, i made a mistake.  i don't honestly remember what it was, but it opened the door for bobby to say "a hero would have done that the right way."  without hesitation i replied "every hero has his kryptonite."

the look on his face was priceless.  it was "i want to beat the shit out of you for having an answer to that" + "stunned that you were prepared for it" + "want to laugh my ass of at that."  yeah, that ruled.

i took a break as the humour died down.  the bit had nearly played itself out, but it made an amazing comeback when a person became trapped.  i leaped to the phones to make the call to the people who would call the people who make the rescue!  shortly after, the rescue was made, i'd saved another life!

and then it happened again.  another person trapped.  another set of calls made.  another life saved.  hero chris was living it up.  bobby could do little to nothing to keep my hero sized ego in check.  i was a life saver, everyone knew it.  well, everyone except bobby.

half playing a long, half amused, but half annoyed it was still going on bobby continued to down play my status as a hero.  and then it happened...

the third gentleman who i saved finally reached the lobby.  as he was walking out, he turned to me and (i swear) without being prompted said...

"thank you, you saved my life."

a hot redhead to look at while i whine about sporting fails...

 so the us hockey team just lost to canada.  this sucks.  not so much that they lost, but how they lost.  mostly because i've already seen this movie.  today's fail isn't even really a fail.  if you listened to the hockey folks, the us shouldn't have even been there,  but they were.  and then they tied it up with less than 30 seconds left in the game.  and then they lost.  that hurt.

this caps off (or more appropriately adds to) the several year decline of my favourite sports teams.  

the mets:  in 2006 the mets were in the national league championship series.  they were facing the cardinals who in all seriousness had no business being in the nlcs yet somehow pushed the series to game 7 at shea stadium.  oliver perez, possibly the most hit or miss pitcher in baseball history gutted it out for five and two thirds innings before giving up what would have been the go ahead home run.  "would have been" because endy chavez made one of, if not the best, catches in baseball post season history.  (just google "endy chavez catch") you've never heard of it because the mets went on to kick destiny in the balls and lose.  this loss was followed by chokes throughout the next two septembers that ultimately culminated in final day of the season losses against the marlins knocking us out of the playoffs each year.  

like a husband who forgot his anniversary, the mets were completely ignorant about how badly they had hurt their fans feelings and threw a party for the closing of shea stadium immediately after the 2008 choke job.  

this party was followed by the mets raping and pillaging their fans wallets to drain every last cent they could with increased ticket prices, a taxpayer funded stadium, and refusal to improve the team beyond getting a new closer.  completely ignoring the fact that there were quality players who WANTED to be a met (re:  orlando hudson) and the fact that they needed at least one more bat in the lineup.

2009 turned out to be an abortion of a season.  the holes that weren't filled became gaping wounds, especially after a majority of the team began spending copious amounts of time on the disabled list.  

for 2010 the mets have done, well not fucking much.  they got the bat they needed last year, but didn't get another good starter for the rotation instead relying on 3 guys who they hope will live up to expectations but rarely do and a rookie.  they didn't fire the medical staff who misdiagnosed injuries left and right causing most of the players on the DL to be there longer.  oh, and to top it off the starting center fielder went and had surgery that will keep him out of action until june.

yeah, it's looking good...

the rangers:  really shouldn't complain too much about the rangers.  they've been ok.  not great, not terrible.  but can be either great or terrible for any stretch of time.  they were in the playoffs last year until the nhl decided they wanted an ovechkin vs crosby match up and instructed referees to throw the series in favour of the washington capitals.

would they have beaten the penguins in the next round?  honestly, i doubt it.  but they outplayed washington in all but two games.  while the better team did win that series, the team that played better did not.

the giants:  i believe bill simmons' (aka the sportsguy) rule is that after winning the superbowl, an nfl team gets a 5 year grace period before fans can complain.  i'm breaking that rule because it makes me feel better to bitch and because it fits the theme.

2 years ago, plaxico burress, the man who made the superbowl winning catch against the patriots, shot himself in the leg.  he may have well shot the giants future while he was at it.  the team fell apart in the aftermath and wound up being embarrassed in the playoffs.

the next year, following the model of the ever successful new york mets, the giants refused to fill their hole at wide receiver.  instead choosing to rely on young guys who, while they may turn out to be good players, had no business starting for an nfl team.  this flaw was hidden for 5 weeks as the giants used luck to beat the cowboys and beat up on 4 of the worst teams in the league.  just as the flaws in the offense started to show, the defense was eaten alive by injuries and inept coaching.

wow, just like the mets.

the knicks:  honestly, i don't give a shit about basketball.  unless i'm at the game or have money on it the game is pretty boring.  that said, i don't go to many games and i don't gamble on it because i don't know much about it.  i'm a knicks fan in the sense that i'm from new york and if i was going to give a damn about a basketball team, it would be the knicks.

the knicks have been the model of how not to run a franchise.  their problems began with the trade of their most notable star of the last couple of decades, patrick ewing.  rather than letting ewing (who was in the twilight of his career) play out his last season with the knicks and move on, they traded him for some shitty contracts.  this led to a cycle of trading for more and more bad contracts and the hiring of worse and worse people to run the team until finally david stern stepped in and forced them to hire donnie walsh who maybe possibly has a clue.

in order to clear space to possibly sign players worth a damn this summer, even walsh had to trade away to first rounders.  a hallmark of the knicks incompetence.  will it be worth it?  maybe if we wind up with lebron james and dwayne wade.  of course, if we do, we don't have any money under the cap to sign any other players who don't make the league minimum...at all.

usa hockey:  and then there's today.  like i said.  the usa hockey team played their asses off and took a superior canadian team to overtime of the gold medal game.  miller "stood on his head" in goal, parise had his endy chavez moment, but in the end fuckin cindy crosby scored in overtime to kill us.

complaint?  coming into the game, america was undefeated.  canada had one loss.  to who?  oh, america.  over the course of the two games, one team scored 7 goals, one team scored 6.  who scored 7?  oh, america.  

a silver medal would have been unheard of for team usa before the tournament started.  and yes, we won the silver medal.  yay us.  the problem is to win the silver in any olympic tournament, you have to lose the gold.  there is no triumphant moment for the silver medal team, their last memory is losing.  even finland, who won the bronze medal got to celebrate a victory in their last game.

and that's why it hurts, just another loss for a team i gave a damn about.  another sour ending for another sporting season.

fuck my teams.

(as a side note, that sexy as all hell redhead looks exactly like a bartender i used to love.  and yet still didn't make me happy...but i'm sure she will tomorrow.)

here's what i know about the olympics...

just now i was walkin to the train, taking pictures of couches on city corners when it dawned on me i've completely missed the olympics. 

here's what i know:

wayne gretzky looked like he was going to rape and murder someone with the olympic flame when the fortress of solitude cauldron didn't work properly.

steve nash should play the joker in the next batman flick, he nailed the sadistic plastic grin.

shaun white was on the cover of espn the magazine. i thought he was an ugly girl. i rated him a 3 because redheads get 3 bonus points for being redheads. also, i think he won a medal. 

the us beat canada at hockey. 

curling has hot females. 

also, guys with man boobs who get to call themselves "athletes." 

bode miller won something. 

the girl with the hurt shin won something also. 

a gay guy probably won ice slating. 

an old asian broad won ice skating (i think). 

the olympics are in vancouver near where stephfphums lives. 

the us leads in total medals, or did. 

that's it. 

is it bad that that is all i know about arguably the most important thing going on in the world right now?

got my wii (and was only slightly embarrassed)...

 (my connection to the web is shit right now.  some sort of pic later...if i remember)

i've had a blast the last few times i've played with the wii at the domiciles of various friends and relatives.  such a blast that i finally decided to act on my "gee the wii is really fun, i should get one" impulse.  i've had this impulse every time i've played with a wii for the last 2 or so years.  i try to ignore it because i know myself and know that after i go all out and buy every accessory i need or might need, as well as a few games, i'll lose interest.  it's the way i work.  

I NEED IT! I NEED IT! I NEED IT!  

I HAVE IT!  YAY!

i have it.  cool.

i have it.  yawn.

i have it?  who cares?  want it?

but this time, i still had most of the funds i collected for christmas and no plan to use them.  so i decided to get a wii.  even if i lost interest, it'd still be good at family gatherings, right?  it'd be a gift from the family, for the family.

so i set about trying to find a wii.  would you believe this thing is still hard to come by?  

even harder is the wii fit, which i also want.  the wii fit is an amazing thing.  not only is the balance board usable in some games (like punch out which i love) but the wii fit game itself is a great joke invented by the japanese to call us fat and have us think it's funny.  seriously, you pop the game in, hop on the board, it tells you you're a fat piece of shit, and laughs at you.  brilliant!  first brain age to tell you you're stupid, now wii fit to tell you you're fat.  pretty soon they'll have a game that tells you you play the game too much and mock you for not having any real friends.  it'll sell a few million copies too.

lets reset and get back to the point...

so i set about trying to find a wii.  would you believe this thing is still hard to come by?  last i checked this country was in some sort of recession.  you'd think in a recession i'd be able to walk into a store, announce that i wanted to spend at least $500 without question and could likely be talked into more, and be able to do so.  not only should i be able to do so, but they should probably throw a party for me and make me king of the store for a day. 

not so much.  in fact, i had to hunt my cousin down and ask her to grab one for me at her store.  thankfully she was able to do that because she wasn't sure they had any since the last time i asked 2 days prior.

and then the fun began.  i got to the store, saw my wii, and decided i needed an extra controller and a game to go with it.  the controller so i'm not anti social and the game because i need to beat my cousin at it.  also because it has a wii motion thingy in it and i'd rather get it free with a game than pay $20 for it.

another rant.  when did video game systems start coming with only one controller?  when did they decide that you had to pay extra to be able to share the gaming experience with a friend?  i s'pose i should have noticed this when i bought my ps3, but i only grabbed that because it was the cheapest and best blu-ray player at the time.  in any case, that sucks that you get charged an extra $50 on top of the console purchase to play with others.

so i picked out all my stuff.  rang it up.  gave the guy some stupid amex gift checks i had and handed him my card for the balance.  i'd thought about just bringing cash to pay the rest, but decided against it because i get some sort of points when i use my debit card.  i don't know what the points do, but i figure at some point i will have accumulated enough that they might be useful.  it's not like i'm buying anything extra to get em, i'm just buying what i would anyway, so why not?  

turns out, i should have brought the cash.  my card got declined as credit.  got declined again as debit.  we went over to my cousin where she rang it up on a big computer.  declined twice again.  and once more for good measure.  

now i've got my cousin, my aunt, my other cousin, the guy who helped me get my stuff, a manager, and another manager who i apparently did many shots with at my cousin's wedding all standing around looking at my card get declined.  this sucked.  it sucked because i knew there was money in the account.  plenty of it.  i had even checked before i left the house just to make sure i didn't forget i bought something expensive or paid a bill in advance.

so i pulled out my ipod, started up my phone as a router and surfed to my bank's site.  i began showing everybody that not only did i have the money to pay for my stuff, but i had three times the money i needed.  i didn't know why my card was declined, but it shouldn't have been.  there's nothing worse than people all just telling you they believe you to make you feel better.

then one of the managers came up with an idea.  apparently some banks block charges from electronics stores because if your card was stolen it's easy to clean out your account with one trip to a store.  that sounds plausible save for the fact that i could empty an account at any store.  i guess a thief might be more inclined to grab a tv and a laptop, i mean when there's looting you don't normally see folks running around with trinkets from bed bath and beyond, right?  i still felt like an ass though.  especially because i tried it as debit.  pin code and all.  if i were a thief and the card i stole didn't work, but i had the pin what would i do?

i'd go to the atm.  so i did.  and got $400 cash.  then paid for my stuff.  when it was all said and done, not bringing cash in the first place cost me my dignity and $3 in atm fees.

but at least i have a wii!  and it's so cool!  for another week or so.

worstest blizzard ever (EVER!!): 12 hours later...

so i went to work and the snow continued to come down.  fuck snow.

it's like i never did nuttin...

hmm, that looks like more...

 

i like trees covered in snow...

the house shot i've yet to get right.

the hedges the guy jumped through.  he did no damage but look how the weight of the snow has bent the hell out of em.  damn things have been on this earth longer than i have.

and i tried a footsteps one, but it didn't work so well in the dark.  so we'll just pretend it's here and the punch line is:

i asked jesus why there was only one set of footprints and he said "why is everyone always asking me that?  fuck off! my child."

worstest blizzard ever (EVER!!)...

the blizzard of 2010.  aka it's kinda sorta snowing a lot.  aka business as usual unless you're a bored weatherperson who needs to spice up his work life.  bored housewives cheat on their husband or try anal (or both if their husband is unlucky), weathermen scare us into thinking the snow will end the world.  they're good for the canned goods industry though.

anyway, here's some snow pictures (it amazes me what girls get from me when they ask).  click on em to make em bigger...

there's a famous picture of my house (and by famous i mean it's in my living room) covered in snow.  it's in black and white and it's awesome.  every year i try to recreate it.  i normally fail.  still the front of the house + untouched snow is kinda cool.

omg! snow in the backyard.

 

i like trees covered in snow. 

 

i asked jesus why there was only 1 set of footprints and he said "because i am imaginary, my child."

 

long view down the driveway.

this is where the guy jumped through the hedges the other night.  no, i can't tell either.

yay!  i'm done clearing snow.

barely an hour later.  boo!

long view down the block...

randoms...

three ideas for posts popped into my head today.  i started writing all three only to be interrupted for whatever reason here at work.  when i eventually got back to them, i stopped because they all sucked or i had lost interest in caring about them.  makes me wonder if any of them would have been any good.

instead, here are some randoms.  shit that stream of consciously pops out of my head...

lost:  watched lost last night.  will not watch lost any more.  there is definitely more to come on lost, i am totally disappointed by how bad it sucked.  and that's after i lowered expectations.

sweedish fish:  someone dropped off a huge bag of them for one of my residents.  by huge i mean a 30 ounce bag.  i'm not certain what anyone would do with nearly 2 pounds of sweedish fish, but damn do i want to rip the bag open and have a few.

trying to be less fat:  yup, that's me again.  figure with a big vegas trip on the horizon, my cousins wedding, and then mikie's wedding this is a good year to not be a fat slob.  fat's ok, but the slob part isn't.  this is the main reason i haven't ripped open the bag of sweedish fish.

the mets:  like lost, i fear even the lowest of expectations won't be met by this team.  they're doing the same shit as last year. they signed one player anyone gives a damn about and are saying the rest of the team is ok.  last year was k-rod, this year is jason bay.  we've not signed a decent bat for the bench, we've not gotten the starter we need, we've not made sure the bullpen will be able to get the game to k-rod on the off chance we have a lead.  on the bright side, tickets on ebay should be about 50% off again this year.

typos:  was reading an old post i made last night and found a spot i typed "teh" instead of "the."  i can't begin to tell you how enraging this is.  not making the typo itself, because i do that constantly, but realizing that i didn't catch it.  why is it that i don't see typos and misspellings until i've actually made the post (or in this case nearly a year later)?

the words "sexy" and "creepy":  i have been using them far too much lately.  i have no idea why.  it's kind of annoying.  then again every time i criticize myself for using them again, i find a way to justify why it was appropriate.

asses:  i'm an ass man.  i like the female ass very much.  don't get me wrong, i like all female parts, but asses in particular.  i'm thinking it's because, in general, a sexy girl will not notice you staring at her ass unless you're being creepy about it.  if you stare at her breasts, it's kind of happening right in her face.  in fact she'll likely notice you staring at her breasts because you're not looking at her face.  don't get me wrong, i'd never tell a girl to put her breasts away if she took them out.  i'd be very thankful.  i'm just saying i'd rather check out her ass.

yes i did that on purpose:  there wasn't going to be a quiz or anything but i'm chuckling and yes that was my justification for doing it.

superbowl:  i want the saints to win.  unfortunately, i think the colts will win.  in the end i'd bet the over and just hope my boxes' numbers come up.

easiest job in america:  thanks to lewis black, i used to think the easiest job in america was weatherman in san diego.  after thinking about it, i'm pretty sure it's being quarterback's coach of the indianapolis colts.  seriously, what are you teaching peyton manning?  

done:  wow, seems that hour went fast and it is time for me to eat.  pic (what are the odds it's a redhead with a nice ass?) , spell check, and possibly more  later.  i'm out.

look at me i'm with coco...!

we all know the story, right?  5 years ago in an attempt to keep conan o'brien on their network, in their 12:35 time slot, nbc promised mr. o'brien that he would be the host of the tonight show when they kicked jay leno off of it.

fast forward to now, nbc has decided that since jay leno's show sucks at 10pm and david letterman is kicking conan's ass at 11:35, they're going to go ahead and move leno's show to 11:35.  doing that would push conan back to 12:05 making the "tonight show" actually the "very early tomorrow show."  this of course has made conan a very unhappy camper.

i don't blame him.  that said, when it comes down to it (to steal liberally from vince mcmahon), "conan screwed conan."

why?  how?  simple.

1.  5 years ago conan had a chance to leave nbc.  he likely would have gone to fox where he would have gotten his 11:35 slot.  hell, he probably would have gotten an 11:00 slot as most fox affiliate run their news at 10.  instead he chose to ignore what happened to the last guy nbc promised "the tonight show" and wait it out.  why?  because he was gonna make $40 million if he didn't get it.  also maybe because it was his dream.

2.  5 years passed and jay leno was still the king of late night.  i'm guessing no one foresaw this.  clearly at some point david letterman (who is about 100 times funnier and more interesting than leno) would have overtaken him in the rating right?  well, he didn't.  leno was still killing him.  instead of seeing this and allowing nbc to ignore the promise for the time being, conan went ahead and took command of the ship that was doing just fine without him.  the ensuing shitstorm of basically kicking jay leno off the show was sure to endear leno's fans and make them watch conan, right?

3.  conan then went on to not be funny.  even andy richter, who was awesome on "late night", was less interesting.  the dynamic of "late night" was lost.  to appeal to a hopefully larger, definitely more main stream audience, conan had to be more mainstream himself.  he had to give up his more edgy material.  he had to be less quirky.  those two facts made him less funny. 

4.  conan is very hit or miss.  when he hits, it's hilarious.  when he misses it can also be hilarious when he rips on himself.  unfortunately the older audience at 11:45 doesn't really want to see some young guy not be funny and then pick on himself.  i can appreciate it and so can many of my peers, but the larger more, mainstream, older folks can't.  not yet at least.  probably not ever.

5.  about that audience.  i'm willing to bet when the promise was made to give him the show, both he and the network assumed he would bring with him the younger audience he had enjoyed at 12:35.  unfortunately that didn't happen.  why?  because he wasn't the same conan they were watching at 12:35.  same guy?  yes.  same act?  no.  besides, most of his younger audience isn't even home at 11:35, they're still out drinking and now that he's not on at 12:35 they have no reason to be home till 1 now.

6.  conan looks creepy in hd.  i'm not sure why i never noticed it, perhaps the lighting is better on the new show than the old show or maybe it's because he's irish and getting too much sun in los angeles, but he's scary looking.  from the red hair that is thinning so much they have to poof it up more than usual to his starting to get old irish person features (especially the sinking darkening shadows under the eyes), conan is just not easy to look at on today's high definition televisions.  he's just about in the "frighten small children" zone.

don't get me wrong, i like conan.  i found late night hilarious when i got around to watching it.  i did check out his tonight show a few times and often found it lackluster.  so i stopped caring.  he has been awesome this last week.  it's almost as if after seeing the writing on the wall, he said screw it and went back to being old conan.  funny conan.  though andy is still not the same.  maybe he's staying quiet to avoid burning a bridge.

wow, so i just realized i wrote a thesis on why conan failed (and how it's his fault) instead of going with my original point of making fun of people who are "with coco."

the "i'm with coco" and "team conan" stuff is fairly amusing.  between twitter and facebook and all the wonderful social networking sites i've seen people i know, people i follow, and people i couldn't give a shit less about but people i know or follow do are all on team conan!  there are so many members of team conan you'd almost think he didn't have ratings so shitty that nbc (a network full of shows with shitty ratings) can't wait to get rid of him.

people are flocking to conan's cause faster than they do to the natural disaster of the week (haiti...thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers).  everyone just loves conan!  he's the best!  the funniest!  no show is better than his!  except for letterman which they're all watching at 11:30 if they're watching at all.  oh...

so what i'm wondering is if everyone who is "with coco" now was WATCHING coco then, would we even be discussing this?  i submit that we would not. 

moving on...

sadly for conan, once he gets out of his contract, sits a brief "no compete," and winds up on fox around the start of next football season, everyone who's on team conan will have forgotten they were enraged that nbc booted him.   he'll have a strong debut week, his first half hour numbers will be great with adults 18-35 for a month, and he won't matter at 11:35.  just like he doesn't now. 

that is, unless fox lets him be real conan instead of dumbed down for the masses conan.  even then his big ratings will come from tivo instead of nielson.  unfortunately, all the tivo numbers tell advertisers is how many people aren't the ads they're paying for.

i'll be one of those guys.

go conan go!