that guy over there...

here's what i know about the olympics...

just now i was walkin to the train, taking pictures of couches on city corners when it dawned on me i've completely missed the olympics. 

here's what i know:

wayne gretzky looked like he was going to rape and murder someone with the olympic flame when the fortress of solitude cauldron didn't work properly.

steve nash should play the joker in the next batman flick, he nailed the sadistic plastic grin.

shaun white was on the cover of espn the magazine. i thought he was an ugly girl. i rated him a 3 because redheads get 3 bonus points for being redheads. also, i think he won a medal. 

the us beat canada at hockey. 

curling has hot females. 

also, guys with man boobs who get to call themselves "athletes." 

bode miller won something. 

the girl with the hurt shin won something also. 

a gay guy probably won ice slating. 

an old asian broad won ice skating (i think). 

the olympics are in vancouver near where stephfphums lives. 

the us leads in total medals, or did. 

that's it. 

is it bad that that is all i know about arguably the most important thing going on in the world right now?

you had to be there: unzipping

testing out the typepad ipod app with this quickie...

so yesterday one of my residents came in and had a problem with her jacket's zipper. she asked if i was good with zippers, i told her i'd take a look. i came around the desk and saw the zipper was caught up at the bottom.

luckily after a tug or two with my head at her crotch level, i was able to get it unstuck. my resident was very happy. yay! then my doorman decided to fuck with me.

doorman: chris, what did you just do to her?
me: unstuck her zipper.
doorman: that's not what it looked like.
me: really?
doorman: and the camera is right there.
me: well then, it will see that when i was done doing what i was doing, she was incredibly happy...

(pic and spell check later)

hi brenz (and other bored on the train randoms)...!

(posted from treo. pic, etc later)

odds are this is my last "live" update until tuesday or so. my clock strikes 30 soon enough and folks are in town and i'm fairly certain i won't give a shit about this place till it's all over. think of me going into a cocoon and when i come out i'll be, no fucking different really.

but don't forget part 2 of the porn post tomorrow.

so brendan dropped by the other day. I like when he drops by cuz he only does it every so often and then he comments on a bunch of posts. This leads me to read those posts. See, I have tremendous add and generally forget what i've written two seconds after I post it.

so I go back and read the stuff, and somehow don't normally recall writing it and often think to myself "this guy's fuckin brilliant!" of course I am...if I wrote it, I clearly agree with it. Why wouldn't I think i'm smart? My favourite example of this is my brownie post, which I recently quoted because I didn't think I could say it any better than me.

so hi brenz!

Now that i'm on the precipice (as an aside i was nowhere near spelling precipice correctly) of the big three-oh, i've been gettin asked about finding a girl, getting married and having some kids. 2 out of 3 of those sound pretty good. I love women and want kids. I think I could do without the marriage thing. I'm not really a guy who wears jewelry and I like my stuff, don't wanna split it up if the relationship goes sour.

it's funny, the biggest factor folks bring up when the subject comes up is kids. "don't you want to have kids while you're young so you can enjoy them?" what? ya shittin me? I want to enjoy being young while I'm young. I think the problem here is life expectancy used to be lower so you were stupid not to drop a kid by 23. These days it's not so much the case.

i'm gonna live till 90. Probably longer. When i'm 82 i'll be perfectly able to pop a lil blue pill, drop a load in a functioning baby machine, and have a prize pop out 9 months later (barring ball cancer or the mumps of course). There's no problems there. So no, i'm not worried.

leaves me to wonder what the rush is. but I promise i'll start looking harder soon.

Here's a question. Is it stupid to drop about $500 to go to chicago for a day?

the day would be great. early flight in, cubs/cards at wrigley, drinking in wrigleyville (with brian, amy, sean and others) after, chi town deep dish, more drinking (with likely more people), then a nap and a flight back the next morning.

i'm inclined to do it, but everyone i've asked says it's a really stupid idea which I also agree with.

what to do, what to do?

ahh well, it's tunnel time. catch youse laster.

a public service announcement...

(posted from treo. Formatting, edits, and probably more pics later.)

so i was getting on the train at main street and there was a guy who sneezed. it was one of those monstrous allergy "snot's flyin from my nose and i had no clue" sneezes. disgusting, yes, but they happen. what's not ok is he wiped his nose and then proceeded to wipe off his hand on the train seat. yes, the train seat.

fucking disgusting.

then he felt another sneeze comin on. i know this because i saw him bracing likely because the last one was so strong it prolly snapped his neck back a bit.

he clearly doesn't have a napkin or tissue so he barely covers his nose and mouth and let's loose a sneeze so vicious i saw the spittle from it. what the fuck?

i'm no germaphobe, but c'mon there's such thing as common courtesy to your fellow man. if you sneeze and have no tissue you subtley wipe it off on your jeans. if you're gonna sneeze again you open up your shirt like you did as a fart gasmask when you were a kid and cover the inside with your viscousy goodness.

will it be disgusting and a lil uncomfy for you? Yes, but at least you won't get a post on a website calling you an inconsiderate asshole.

worse part of it all? he has a lil man purse. CARRY SOME FUCKING TISSUES YOU GIRL. every girl should keep a couple of tissues in her purse...just in case. ya know?

thanks mcdonald's girl...

(pic and edits later...)

so i went to mickey d's because it's close to the train and the first food place i see on the way. mcdonald's isn't good for you, but it can be tasty. i think the register girl knows that and she was looking out for me and my health!

see, i ordered a large 10 piece mcnuggets meal with a dr. pepper. i asked for sweet and sour sauce and salt to go with it. what i got was a 6 piece nugget, a medium fries, and a diet coke. i got my sweet and sour, but rather than salt, i got pepper. at least the soda was a large.

so i wonder, is the woman just a moron or did she want me to be able to eat food that will likely kill me some day, but in moderation?

not what i ordered
wow you weren't even close
damn i'm still hungry

the end of an era (boo coca-cola)...

walked past my bus stop and was sad to see replaced the lovely redhead isla fisher (was that her name?) away.

under normal circumstances, i'm a coke over pepsi guy, but right now i'd like to say go fuck yourself coca-cola.

packing materials...

(posted from treo. maintenance later.)

so i've ordered a bunch of stuff since christmas. parts for my computer, playstation accessories, spices and other cooking paraphernalia, and of course...a guitar. most of the things I ordered came in boxes too big for them and needed some sort of material to keep it from bouncing around and breaking itself.

many different packing materials exist. paper of different sorts (news or a thicker tissue paper), lil bags filled with air, and of course everyone's favourite...styrofoam pieces of various shapes and sizes.
the packing materials all suck and need to be disposed because it's fairly useless to you unless you are also packing and shipping things.

the paper and baggies are easy enough, crumple em up and throw em out. the styrofoam is a bitch, but doable. what if we came up with a better package filler? a filler that can absorb shock, keep your package from shifting in transit, is easily disposed of AND makes anyone who sees it immediately fill with glee.

why don't we use marshmallows?

small, fluffy, abundant, cheap, delicious , and the epitome of happiness marshmallows would solve all problems with disposing of that extra stuff in the box. not only did you get a new toy, but you also got a box full of marshmallows!! wanna get rid of em? eat em! put em in your hot chocolate, make rice krispy treats, have an "i got a package party!"

yup, marshmallows...the packing material of the future! tell your friends!

my bailout/stimulus plan...

(posted from the treo. will be spell checked, get a picture, and have all the capital letters that were done by the typepad for palm program removed at some point in the future. i wish there was a way to turn off auto caps.)

before i start i'm gonna warn you there's a term i use at some point that you may not like. it's 'racially insensitive' but we all know what it means and there's no better term for the attitude/mood i wanted to invoke. if you're the type who gets offended at that sort of thing, don't read past this sentence. if you're a grown up who can take something in context and not assume everything is about hate, then i hope you dig my plan...

so this post should have been made a few months ago, but with obama's stimulus plan all over the news, it sorta fits.  it's my bailout plan to save the banks and the automakers and frankly it'd be a hell of a stimulus plan as well...

so bush went ahead and secured $700 million for the banks and the credit card companies and the auto makers and whoever else are gonna take from that pot. obama went and passed a stimulus bill which is gonna, well honestly not do much, but is better than nothing (i imagine). Here's my plan...

there's what 350 million people in the united states? 350,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 350 billion. that's half of bush's plan. if you haven't caught on, my idea is to give every united states citizen ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!

yep, a cool million.  but much like the bailout, there are strings. after receiving the funds, you must pay off your debts. got credit cards? pay em off.a  car loan? pay it off. mortgage? pay it off. any cash you have left over after paying off your debts is yours to keep and do as you please with.

did you buy a $500,000 house you can't afford?  it's paid for. were you abusive of your first credit card? don't worry about it. try to further your career by going to graduate school? we got your back!

i understand this sounds nuts at first glance, but it would work. why?  the reason the banks needed to be bailed out is that they made a bunch of shitty loans for far too much money that aren't being paid back. this plan gets them paid back. It's just like the "bailout" but costs the government less and doesn't fuck the little guy who shared in the mistake with the bank. yeah...even though the bank is getting hundred of millions of dollars to make up for shitty loans, they're still gonna make the money back. sure they're supposed to in some way pay the government back, but is that actually gonna happen? nopes.

so all the mortgages, car loans, credit cards, and student loans get paid off. won't that just give the banks more money and start them on their irresponsible loaning again? no! we've all still got shitty credit! no one in their right mind would loan us money. seriously this time.

ok, so that's the bailout. where's the stimulus?  well, you get to keep what's left of your bailout. It'd be like you won the lottery!!

but chris...wouldn't that lead to irresponsible spending?  YES!!! we'd all be nigger rich!!! what could be better for the economy? It's exactly what the government wants when they give yo your big $300 tax credit, only you'd have a bunch of money and no debt!!

want a home entertainment system? It's yours! a new car?  buy american, save the auto industry and pay cash! how bout that new stadium your favourite team just opened?  you've got season tickets!! It'd be great for everyone.

people get the toys they want, stores are selling those toys, cars are being bought and gas is being paid for. vacations are being taken and airfares paid for.  it fixes it all and none of it is on credit because we're all deadbeats and can't get a loan.

and yes, there are going to be some folks who don't spend it or don't spend it all. that's fine too, it goes into the bank and funds their endeavors.  remember, banks need you to save your money to survive too.

so yeah, that's my bailout/stimulus plan all in one that saves the government a shit ton of money and pretty much leaves everybody in an all right state. before anyone rips it to shreds (and i don't doubt someone will), remember, it's just the basics. don't have time to go all in depth in a crappy blog post.

write your senators folks, we can make it happen!

i'm gonna love my walk home for a month or so...

found this on the bus shelter up the block from my house. yup, the gods smiled and rewarded me for choosing to walk the mile home right at the end of my journey every night.

no doubt in my mind the movie will suck donkey balls, but does it matter?

sexy as all hell
isla fisher yum yum yum
gotta love redheads

believe it or not...

(posted from treo. pics and spell check later.)

saw a "subtalk" poster on the e train i had to take into work today...

"Believe it or not.
In 1986, the subway and bus fare was $1. That's $1.89 in 2008 dollars. Today 30-day Unlimited Ride MetroCard brings the fare down to $1.17. Believe it."

believe it? oh I do. here's how that poster read to me...

"hey cocksucker! remember the last time the mets won the world series? well back then the train only cost $1. If you convert the dollar through some magical formula it'd be worth $1.89 today. yup, not only are you paying 11 cents more for less service than you were 20 years ago even after math designed to make you believe a dollar isn't a dollar but the mets have fucked you and collapsed on the last day of the season for the last two years crushing your hopes and dreams. and oh yeah the 7 train won't take you to work on weekends for the next month and a half, enjoy waking up early. go fuck yourself."

maybe i take things too personally?